Brothers in Arms
by YoungDovah
Summary: A cheese and wine loving Khajiit with an Irish accent. A drunkard Nord who married the worst woman ever. Together, these two Dragonborn will become the greatest team Skyrim has ever seen. Rated T for strong language. Be prepared for several references to Lord of the Rings and such. Written by my stepbrother and I.
1. Chapter 1

Kalen woke slowly, groaning. His head hurt, and he felt the need to drink again.

He looked around, getting a good look at his surroundings. He was in a cart with four others: three Nords and a Khajiit. One of the Nord's had a gag on, and they all had their hands bound.

The Khajiit mumbled something about alto wine and cheese, and nodded at Kalen.

Another Nord looked at Kalen, and opened his mouth. "Hey, you. You're finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, that thief, and the Khajiit."

The Nord in rags growled. "Damn you Stormcloaks. Skyrim was fine until you came along. Empire was nice and lazy. If it hadn't been for you, I would have stolen that horse and been halfway to Hammerfell by now." He turned to Kalen and the Khajiit "You two. You and me, we shouldn't be here. Its these Stormcloaks the Empire wants."

The Khajiit sighed. "We're all brothers in binds now, thief."

Kalen looked at the Khajiit, curious. " I have a feeling that today is not going to go as the imperials plan"

The Khajiit smiled. "I feel a change in the winds of fortune. Coming to Skyrim may be the best decision I ever made. But this is your home, isn't it, Nord?

" I grew up in Markarth, with my family in poverty...Joined the Dark brotherhood to try and fit in...fuck! Now I'm going to lose my head!"

"Drama queen. I work for the highest bidder as a mercenary. Born and raised in Elyswyr." He turned to the gagged Nord. "What's wrong with him, eh?"

The first Nord growled. "Watch your tongue, outsider. You're speaking to Ulfric Stormcloak, the true High King."

The thief looked up. "Ulfric? You're the leader of the rebellion. But if they've captured you...oh, gods! Where are they taking us?"

" It doesn't seem to matter at this point, life is unfair, Sovngarde awaits."

The Khajiit smiled. "Maybe. And maybe not."

"We'll die together, and party at Sovngarde."

"We'll see. I've heard the wine there is like heaven. And the cheese...to die for." The Khajiit chuckled. "And we seem to have reached a town."

" Helgen, one of the many shit towns full of liars, thieves, and whores"

"Is this just a normal town, Nord? Because if it is, I'll be right at home."

" This place is amazing compared to Ivarstead"

"I smell a lizard."

"That's the smell of the whores over there, that or the thief has queefed"

"The little ones are going inside, I see. We're reaching our stop."

"The halls of Sovngarde await"

The cart stopped, and they stood.

The Khajiit frowned. "I miss my cheese."

" I miss my wife"

"How long were you outside of Skyrim?"

"Few weeks, had a contract in Hammerfell, now I won't get paid"

"Ah."

They got out of the cart, only to find they had been talking so long, the others were gone, and the thief lay dead a few feet away.

An imperial motioned to the Khajiit. "You. Step forward. Who are you?"

The Khajiit smiled. "Remiel, of the Darkblade Caravan." He walked to the block, still smiling as if he knew more than the rest of these people.

The other imperial, a female, blinked. "I was about to say he goes to the block."

The first nodded, then turned to Kalen. "And you?"

"Kalen, son of Dale the rebel slayer"

"I knew Dale. He was a good man." He turned to the female. "He's not on the list."

The female folded her arms. "Forget the list. He goes to the block as well."

By your orders, captain." He turned back to Kalen. "I'm sorry. At least you die here, in your homeland. Follow the captain, Kalen. Nice and easy."

" Fuckith my life" Kalen said in a mocking tone. But he did as he was told.

Another imperial stood in front of Ulfric, and had just began to speak. "Jarl Ulfric. Some here in Helgen call you a hero, but a hero doesn't use a power like the Voice to murder his king and usurp his throne. You started this war. Plunged Skyrim into chaos, and now the Empire is going to put you down and restore the peace!"

A roar made them all look up and around.

"Y'all motherfuckers gonna die" Kalen said looking to the sky.

The imperial glared at Kalen, then motioned to the others. "Its nothing. Carry on."

The captain saluted. "Yes, General Tullius!"

Remiel chuckled, and nodded at Kalen. "Couldn't have said it better myself."

"Be ready Remiel, shits about to go down"

He smiled knowingly, still chuckling. "I smell a change in the wind."

They watched a Stormcloak interrupt a priest and get his head chopped off, then Kalen was called to the block.

"One day I shall meet my father what Soverngaurd, but today is not that day"

The captain glared. "Get your Nordic ass over here."

" fine, your highness" Kalen said mockingly.

The other imperial, Hadvar, chuckled. "To the block, nice and easy."

" alright " he walked over, laying his head on the block.

Several people screamed as a dragon landed on a tower.

Remiel knocked out the captain, grabbing her sword, and cutting his bonds. "Get up, Kalen. The gods and Daedric Lords aren't giving us another chance."

"To the tower! "

Remiel grabbed Kalen, his claws digging into his arm slightly, as they ran into the tower. Remiel cut Kalen's bonds, and quickly ran up the stairs. "Stay on me tail."

"Alright Patrick"

"Jackass." Remiel jumped through a hole in the tower, landing in a building. On his feet, of course.

"Let's get out of here." He landed beside the Khajiit, jumping up and running.

"We need to find shelter. That dragon won't give up easy."

"Make it to the dungeon, there's another route that'll lead us near riverwood, we need to get to my house in whiterun"

Remiel forced open some doors, running inside. "There's got to be something we can use in here. Let's get out of these rags."

"Grab the imperial armor"

"You can have the heavy armor. I go with light." He pulled on some armor, tossing a sword at Kalen. "Until I get something that does more damage, I'll use me claws."

"Let's fucking go!" He caught the sword, running for the stairs.

"Lead the way, native." Remiel grabbed a bag of coins, following him.

"Keep an eye out for Stormcloaks."

"Will do."

They got to a storage room, and two Stormcloaks charged, holding their great swords up.

"Bring it on." Kalen beheaded one of them in seconds.

Remiel picked up the other one, and punched her face in, letting her drop. He grinned. "I love Skyrim already."

"Welcome to the big leagues."

Remiel opened a barrel, handing Kalen some health potions, and then his eyes lit up. "CHEESE!"

"Where's the mead?"

"I don't know, but I see some alto wine."

"We need to hurry up and get to Breezehome."

"Alright." Remiel opened another door, and sniffed. "Next up, torture room."

"Oh, geez."

They ran down, and watched the torturer kill off two Stormcloaks, then die from loss of blood.

Kalen looked at the torturer. "Poor bastard."

"He had it coming."

"He deserved it. He tortured people for a living!"

"Who's that in the cage?"

"My mother." Kalen muttered sarcastically.

"I'll check him for valuables."

"Hurry up. We gotta get going."

Remiel opened the cage with a picklock, and searched the body. "Every penny counts."

"Let's fucking go!"

Remiel donned the robes and the hood he found, and pocketed the money. "Lead on."

Kalen ran on ahead, and found himself in the middle of a group of Stormcloaks, who instantly started to attack.

Remiel ran in, his fists and claws blurs as he killed one after another.

The next things they met were frostbite spiders and an angry cave bear.

Kalen jumped on the bear's back, placing his imperial sword in its head while Remiel sent the spiders flying to land splat on the walls.

Kalen hopped off the bear, and broke the sword trying to pull it out of the bears brain. "Stupid imperials. 'I make the best swords', he said. 'It won't break', he said."

Remiel chuckled. "There's the way out."

"Lets get to Whiterun."


	2. Chapter 2

_(Ok, I got one follower on this, I see. Before I continue, I'd like to say that I'm writing this with my stepbrother. And he'd like some feedback. As would I.)_

They walked up to the doors of Whiterun, Remiel was busy nibbling on his cheese.

The guards nodded at Kalen, letting him pass, then raised their swords at Remiel. "No Khajiits. Not with the dragons about."

"He's with me." Kalen opened the doors, and Remiel walked in.

"Where's Breezehome?" Remiel would not stop nibbling.

"Over there to the right." Kalen walked up to his home, and opened the door.

They walked in, and all they heard from upstairs were thumps and moans.

Kalen motioned to Remiel. "Have a seat."

They both sat down by the fire, Remiel drinking his wine, and Kalen drinking some mead.

Remiel motioned to upstairs. "What's going on up there?"

Kalen sighed. "I think my wife's cheating on me. We'll find out in five minutes." He drained his bottle of mead, and went to the cabinet to grab another.

"What is the woman like?"

"She only says four lines to me, and I've memorized them."

"So, basically a dumb bitch."

"Pretty much."

A man walked down the stairs, saw Kalen, and ran out the door.

A woman walked down the stairs, sporting a little jizz on her face, and walked to kiss Kalen.

Kalen pushed her back. "Just a moment, Remiel." He walked upstairs, opened a chest, donned some wolf armor, and grabbed a Blade's sword, walking back down. "You know, I'm tired of leaving for two weeks, and coming back to this every single time! You kept saying you wouldn't do it again, and I kept promising I wouldn't kill him. Get upstairs."

He brought the woman, Muiri, to the guest room, covered her mouth, and stabbed her in the stomach. He laid her body on the bed, laid a blanket on her, snapped her neck to be sure she was dead, and walked back downstairs.

Remiel raised an eyebrow. "Marrying that bitch was the worst desicion you ever made."

He sighed. "Not the first time I've said that. Not the last either." He poured himself a mug of ale, putting on an amulet of Mara. He took the Blade's Sword, and locked it in a small chest, melting the small lock shut, never to be opened again.

"Time for some black-briar reserve...welcome to skyrim"

"Aye. I'm going to love this place. How does marriage work here?"

" well, you ask her if she is interested then you just get married at a temple of Mara " He pressed a stone button, grabbed one of the bottles of reserve, and poured two flagons for him and Remiel .

Remiel took his, sipping. "And that's it? Nothing you need to wear or anything?"

"Oh one of these" pulling out his amulet of Mara " which you get in Riften"

"Ah. Is there a thieves guild?"

" You bet! Its just a pain in the ass to join, anyway I have to go see the Jarl to get the coin in which he owed my father"

"Dale, the rebel slayer?"

"Yeah, he killed a Stormcloak assassin who tried to kill him, then Ulfric slayed my father in the battle of Greymoor"

"Fuck, and we rode with the dude."

" I swear on my father's grave that I will be the one to cut the head off of the bastard"

"I'll slice his nuts off."

" and then stuff them in his mouth "

"Then sew it shut. What's over there?" Remiel motioned to a corner of the house, covered in cobwebs.

" I have not the slightest clue "

Remiel stood, and walked to it, clearing away the dust. "There's a chest over here."

"Whatever's in it is yours"

The Khajiit opened it, and grinned, putting on the nightingale armor, and opened the bag of coin inside. "Holy shit, there's over 21,000 gold in here!"

" damn it, you can have it..."

"And a glass bow...you want it?"

"YESSSSS"

"I'll need an ebony helmet."

"Here you go my friend" he tossed it over.

Remiel took it, and put it on, handing over the bow. "Its enchanted. Gives you health every time you hit someone."

"Yes! I love it, thank you my friend you are welcome anytime"

He nodded. "So, where will I be staying?"

"My guest bedroom, where... Oh, almost forgot."

"What?"

Kalen ran upstairs, and Remiel heard a loud Shout and the smell of flesh cooking. "What just happened?"

"Oh, nothing, just finishing up old business." He ran back down.

Remiel raised an eyebrow. "What was cooking?"

"I call it 'Muiri Delight'."

Remiel chuckled, standing. "Well, let's get to the Jarl."

Kalen grabbed a bag, ran back upstairs, dumped Muiri's ashes into it, and ran back down. "Just taking out the garbage."

Remiel chuckled.

"Oh come on, its just leftovers"'

The two walked out the door and began to walk towards Dragonsreach, Kalen noticed a roar from the distance towards fort Greymoor.

" we must hurry, I think something is going to happen"

" Thought so "

The two ran to the Jarl as the dragon was spotted just beyond the fort.

" Irileth, send men down to the watchtower immediately! You two" the Jarl said pointing at Remiel and Kalen " go help defend the city in the name of skyrim!"

" Can you even trust us " Remiel asked as he gave the jarl a face that meant your a dumbass.

" Fuck it, I need some adventure in my life " Kalen said running towards the door.

" Hold up nigga! "


End file.
